I haven’t been myself lately…

I’ve been in and out of consciousness the past few weeks. My life, my thoughts and everything about and around me have been shaken up and turned into a tizzy. I wish I could explain why but there’s something seriously bothering me….well maybe it’s not one specific thing. It’s an accumulation of a lot of things. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I can see things happening before my eyes and yet I’m slow to react and try to change the chain of unfortunate events. Maybe what they say about me is right----perhaps I promote drama. I’ve been lashing out at everyone within arms reach as of lately and it appears as though I can’t pinpoint the exact cause for my actions.

I want to be happy…yet, I can’t define the word. As strange as it may seem and appear, I am a loner that lives thru the eyes of others. I put myself in others lives yet I invite few if any into mine. I jokingly made a status update on facebook that said “ I don’t think outside the box, I bring people into mine”. While a joke at the time, my humor seems to be more truthful than I can readily admit…I just didn’t see it at the time.

I’m hurting people around me and I’m slowly killing myself in the process. When I don’t want to be bothered…I shut down and all but evaporate from all things social. What was once a great gift of humorous and thinly veiled sarcasm has abruptly turned into vengefully spewed verbal darts propelled by a slick tongue wrapped in anger. Simply put, my words have been causing much pain. The sad reality of it all is that I’m fully aware of my actions…yet, I do it anyway and try nothing to avoid it.

I need. I want. I have to get away.

*pops a sleeping pill only to remember the sudden drug fueled deaths of Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy….spits pill on the floor*

~fin~