Conflicted…

 

*cues Musiq’s HALFCRAZY*

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you just wanted to give up everything that you have just to chase what you’ve always wanted/desired/dreamed about? I swear if it wasn’t for my world (aka my son) that I'd just up and leave this very state that I’ve convinced myself for the past 25 years I love.

My life, for lack of a better word, is mediocre. I have days of highs and lows and those that aren’t of either tend to be just that—an existence of mediocrity. Ironically, I have everything going for me. Granted things aren’t great but they aren’t totally bad either. I know things could be worse…but that’s just it, i know that they could be worse and I also know that they could be whole hell of a lot better. I’m existing for the purpose of making it to the very next day but with each approaching day I find myself further and further from the ultimate goal which is supposed to be HAPPINESS. What to do? …Do you just cast down your buckets and run away from it all and start anew? Or do you stand, fight and try to make the best of a seemingly mediocre situation?

I’m conflicted. My life as I know it has been turned upside down as of lately. Outside of my son, there’s really no reason for me to be in Georgia anymore. I’m beginning to have a love / hate relationship with all things Atlanta as of recently. I love it for the fact that I grew up here and I know the city like the back of my hand. Don’t move and get emotional all too quick… I hate Atlanta for that very same reason. I know too much about this great city.  There’s nothing new under the sun and there’s nothing of  new interest for me here either. 

What to do?

That seems to be the question at hand…2010 will definitely serve purpose and reveal answers.

This Makes Me Laugh....

I love this lil dude and all of his shenanigans. Apparently this is his first (AND ONLY) forray into thug culture and it's hilarious nonetheless.

Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving.

Scooby Doo, Where are you? © Shaggy

I'm not sure where I've been….or where I am going. Life has been full of ups and downs as of recently. Maybe it's the approaching holidays. If you know me…then you know of my dislike for the impending holiday season. Friends and family get together to enjoy what should be a joyous occasion but by the time it is all said and done-the joys and smiles turn into drunken shouting matches of "you ain't shit" coupled with "you ain't never have my back when I was younger". Perhaps I'm jumping the gun. Surely this doesn't happen with every family, right? Maybe it's just mine. Needless to say that I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest I never have. This year is bound to be different in the aspect that instead of being around my dysfunctional miscreants of shared blood, I'll be in the presence of my girlfriends relatives. (Yes, you read that right; G.I.R.L.F.R.I.E.N.D !, that's a whole 'nother post in itself). So possibly this newness will finally allow me to enjoy some semblance of a holiday.

My dislike for Thanksgiving is only outweighed and overshadowed by my true abhorrence for Christmas. This is not to say that I don't like giving thanks to Jesus and all of that. I know the reason for the season. It's just over the years Christmas doesn't bring the same warm energy to my soul that it once did. Partial blame for this would be the fact that my grandmother died a few years ago on Christmas day (2002 to be exact). Time has enabled me to put a great deal of that pain aside and (I) try to enjoy Christmas for the sake of my 3 yr old son but there's some occult negativity that still lingers over and within me about that particular holiday. Some things are best left to their own understanding…and sadly, I don't understand why I can't get past it all.

The only thing that brings me some sort of short lived joy would be the fact that I usually accumulate enough vacation days by this time of year to really enjoy some time off. As tradition would have it, I'm taking off every Friday off from Black Friday until the end of the year. In addition, I'm also off the last two weeks of the year and the first 3 business days of 2010.

The greatest thing about the holiday season is the knowledge that 2009 is almost coming to a close. For that reason alone, I'm happy. Overall 2009 hasn't been the greatest year of my life. I will say that during all of the trials and tribulations of the past 12 months, I was able to discover some very unique qualities and traits about my character. Some of these traits were good, others?...well, not so much. Patience and tolerance have been my biggest learned attributes of the almost 365 days of 2009. I did learn how to do a lot (of sh*t) with a little bit (of money). This was a yr of no bonuses and no side hustles…If I've learned anything it's that I have to get on my grind in the upcoming year. I can't go living paycheck to paycheck and dwindling my once impressive savings account just to survive.

Oh well…..this is it for now. (Hell it's not like anyone is out there reading this….I'm to the point where I'm blogging for my own amusement and entertainment).

~fin