My Life In Song

There's not a better song than Torrey Carter's "Insanity" to explain what the past few weeks have been for me. I really wish that I could go into detail about everything that's been going on…but I simply do not have the strength, energy or desire to rehash some of the petty arguments and consequential pain. So without further ado I present to you the soundtrack to for my past 30 days.

LISTEN TO *TORREY CARTER's "INSANITY *

~fin

Where the Hoes at? ...

So i'm sitting here trying to embrace my newfound singledom and all i keep meeting is women who are on the downward decline of their looseness. Now it ain't nothing wrong with people become all moralistic and what not...but there is a problem when suddenly it appears that no one is (JUST) phuckin' no more.

Maybe it's just me? *looks in mirror* Nope..that ain't it. I'm still uberly cute and rather sexy if i do sayeth so myself.

How come every woman i've met in the past few weeks suddenly decided that after 4 kids, 3 paychecks and a partridge in a marijuana bush later that they ain't phucking?
Why's every woman now holier than thou and saving themselves for marriage?

You can't even go to a bar now-a-days and expect to have a one night stand...muhphuckas wanna stay the whole damn weekend.

I thought i had me a SideJawnJumpoffReplacement broad who approached me with the whole "phuckbuddy" situation...ffwd two weeks and now she calling me at 7 am on some "I just wanted to call and wish you a good day"...Dammit, we's just phuckin...why's u callin me for any reason other than "Is you coming to blow out my transmission tonight? or is you coming to beat the breaks off of me? We established the confines and definition of our dealings which pretty much is based on " U wanna Cum and I'm gonna come over". Simple as that. But now after said acts, you wanna watch tv and eat some butter cookies. Shawty, you's cute, fine and alladat, but that's not what i'm here for. I'm trying to get into you not *IN* to you. Save all that chit chat for your gay male friends or the negro outside waiting for you to finish gettin' your mall make-over at the MAC counter. I'm a backblowout specialist...that's what'chu hired me for and that's all i'm qualified and willing to do in your life. Don't be callin' askin' do i wanna come over and watch a movie. I don't like Lord Of The Rings. The only movies we should be watchin' should have actors with last names like Pumper, Jackme and shitnot. You know Mood Movies...

if you can't handle the truth and what i'm here for..then bounce. But don't be trying to establish a phuckbuddy thing and then renig(ger) on it. You can't alter me to get me to the altar. You talkin' 'bout "Kae, don't be catchin' no feelings and whatnot and then four days later i'm buttoning my pants and you layin' in the bed all glossy eyed saying "you know you ain't gotta leave".

FOH...

Where they hoes at?...

The Beginning of the End

Sad as it is to say and admit the inevitable end of my relationship with the mother of my kids has arrived. While we had our ups and downs there are a lot of good memories that will forever stick with me. I'll miss her and in some ways wish that there were some manner in which to save what we had from the ill fate that we were so destined to achieve.

Not to go into great details but I will attribute the lot of our problems to financial issues. Simply put she wasn't happy with the honest real man lifestyle that I chose for myself and the kids and wanted an out to possibly live a short-lived run with the baller of the moment. (Okay so I made that up to appear like the victim but it sounds good, huh? ).....

Bitter? No. Hurt? Possibly. Concerned about the impact that our dragged on issues will have on my son and daughter? Most definitely. Those two kids are my any and everything. I'll go to the end of the world for the kids and not having them around is an emptiness that mere words cannot convey. In due time, I'm sure I'll get over the fact that she and I are no longer an item. Hell, I've accepted it already to be honest…but accepting it is one thing, still living in the house that you all shared brings about constant reminders that make it so hard to have complete closure. I'll admit that I loved her more than I loved anyone ever in life and because of that I kind of pushed her away because in loving her so much, I was scared to actually show her how much I loved her and built up a wall around myself because I knew eventually the one I loved would sooner or later hurt me. (I hate gut wrenching instincts). * She and I have had a break up of the same magnitude before but this was years ago and way before the birth of my son. We broke up for almost a year in 2k5.

Maybe we needed counseling but it takes 2 people to want that. ..Maybe we needed the Lord and prayer. Perhaps all we need is some time away from one another to prove to ourselves that there's nothing left in the world….Once can only hope. One can only imagine. I'm not holding my breath for anything more than extra air for my lungs. I'm tired. I've decided to put my burdens on the cross and walk thru whatever I'm being brought to and thru by faith. I simply don't have the fight or mental stamina to deal with the notion, idea or prospect of love or another relationship at the moment. My only fight is for my kids. As long as I am around them…I'm happy.

Now if I could just get everyone that knows my current condition to stop attempting to hook my up with women, I'd be alright. I just ended a six year relationship with my former fiancé and the mother of my 2 kids---let a muhphucka have a moment to breathe and some time to heal. Otherwise, I'll just be damaged and bitter for the next woman and resentfully carrying emotional baggage that serves no purpose or good for anyone. Plus who wants a muhphucka that fresh out of a relationship and on the proverbial "REBOUND"?

~Fin

Kae