The Beginning of the End

Sad as it is to say and admit the inevitable end of my relationship with the mother of my kids has arrived. While we had our ups and downs there are a lot of good memories that will forever stick with me. I'll miss her and in some ways wish that there were some manner in which to save what we had from the ill fate that we were so destined to achieve.

Not to go into great details but I will attribute the lot of our problems to financial issues. Simply put she wasn't happy with the honest real man lifestyle that I chose for myself and the kids and wanted an out to possibly live a short-lived run with the baller of the moment. (Okay so I made that up to appear like the victim but it sounds good, huh? ).....

Bitter? No. Hurt? Possibly. Concerned about the impact that our dragged on issues will have on my son and daughter? Most definitely. Those two kids are my any and everything. I'll go to the end of the world for the kids and not having them around is an emptiness that mere words cannot convey. In due time, I'm sure I'll get over the fact that she and I are no longer an item. Hell, I've accepted it already to be honest…but accepting it is one thing, still living in the house that you all shared brings about constant reminders that make it so hard to have complete closure. I'll admit that I loved her more than I loved anyone ever in life and because of that I kind of pushed her away because in loving her so much, I was scared to actually show her how much I loved her and built up a wall around myself because I knew eventually the one I loved would sooner or later hurt me. (I hate gut wrenching instincts). * She and I have had a break up of the same magnitude before but this was years ago and way before the birth of my son. We broke up for almost a year in 2k5.

Maybe we needed counseling but it takes 2 people to want that. ..Maybe we needed the Lord and prayer. Perhaps all we need is some time away from one another to prove to ourselves that there's nothing left in the world….Once can only hope. One can only imagine. I'm not holding my breath for anything more than extra air for my lungs. I'm tired. I've decided to put my burdens on the cross and walk thru whatever I'm being brought to and thru by faith. I simply don't have the fight or mental stamina to deal with the notion, idea or prospect of love or another relationship at the moment. My only fight is for my kids. As long as I am around them…I'm happy.

Now if I could just get everyone that knows my current condition to stop attempting to hook my up with women, I'd be alright. I just ended a six year relationship with my former fiancé and the mother of my 2 kids---let a muhphucka have a moment to breathe and some time to heal. Otherwise, I'll just be damaged and bitter for the next woman and resentfully carrying emotional baggage that serves no purpose or good for anyone. Plus who wants a muhphucka that fresh out of a relationship and on the proverbial "REBOUND"?

~Fin

Kae