I'm not here right now...I've gone crazy. Be back in a few...

There soon comes a time in your life where you just don’t want anything to do with your past or your current way of life and you’re simply living for an uncertain future. Often times you're plauged by the vision in your head of how things are supposed to be, how they are supposed to appear but the truth of the matter is you never know how it’s going to end until well…the end.

I’ve spent the last few days locked away in my humble abode analyzing just about every aspect of my life…I’ve come up with zany and almost unbelievable answers to the question “HOW DID I GET HERE (OR TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE). The only reason that these answers aren’t so unbelievable is because I have had the (dis)pleasure of living out this sitcom (that we call life) to each and every commercial break.

Love..or rather the possibility of being in love suddenly doesn’t seem so possible. The whole idea of being in a monogamous and meaningful relationship doesn’t seem promising nor does it appear inviting. I want love and I want to be in love but recent events have all but turned me against the notion. In the past year, I’ve dated every type of woman imaginable. Don’t believe me? I’ve dated the clingy, I- need- a- husband- now- type, I’ve dated the Destiny- Child- Independent –but- can- you- pay- My- Bills- Woman, The I’m-drop-dead-gorgeous-but –I –have-let-others-tear –down-my-self-esteem-with-their-hatred. Oh, and I forgot about the “I’m-broke-but-you’d-never-know-it-until-you-see-all-of-the-late-notices-sittin-on-the-counter-while-im-in-the-bathroom-type woman. Needless to say, I can’t take the dating scene anymore. I’m tired of it. Due to the constant ins and outs of the women that I’ve encountered I am casting my buckets where I stand and I’m walking away from it all with what remains of my dignity and pride. I’m just going to do some freelance dating so to speak. Nothing serious.

My job is just that-- a job. Not a career. Not even a means to an end. Hell I am barely making ends meet. Matter of fact my ends don’t even need to meet…I’d be happy if they were close enough to wave at one another.

I have my son 80% of the time and I’ve come to realize that society champions behind a struggling single mother but put a father in just a semblance of such a situation and that same society turns a blind eye. Women treat me as if I’m some sort of text book experiment. I’m suddenly Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster or a a mythical Unicorn. An involved single father just doesn’t exist. I’ve become a piece of folklore. I’m spoken about in circles as the perfect catch but once I’m caught they suddenly realize just how little free time I have and the idea of a dedicated father quickly becomes a turn off. Picture that?...the one thing that attracted them to me, runs them off. It’s not even as if my son drives them away. Hell few even get a chance to see/meet my son. It’s a problem that’s not so much of a problem. My son is a constant…these women aren’t.

I miss my best friend....parenthood has unfortunately put an understandable wedge in our friendship. We talk everyday (via phone/email) but it still seems like we're at a distance...

I have no drama from my baby momma...simply because i don't allow her to bring her drama into my life. I don't talk to her at all. We only communicate via text msg. (Gotta keep that paper trail). If she calls me, i reject it and send her a text. It sounds harsh but it's rather stress free and easy going... I don't have to hear her lies, cries or alibi's.

Well I’m just venting…my whole mind frame might change tomorrow (that’s unlikely) but I can say for certain that I’m no longer the person I was months or days ago…I don’t know if it’s all for the best…but it is best that I do what I have to do to keep my sanity.